Sometimes in life things just hit you hard and all the sudden you know what it is like to feel the hormonal realness of a pregnant woman as a man. I just suddenly got hit with a wave of just feeling sad because of the sad things in the world. Not depressed, but just sad. I started to just kinda cry while listening to a song and looking at this picture of two people who were so in love and then life, for whatever reason, took one of them away. Then I begin to reflect on my life and then compound it with guilt, longing, wishing, and just thinking. I think about being a gay man in a Mormon family. I think will ever I ever find the love that I see in so many people who found "love." I wonder if I'm just kidding myself in my wishful thinking and my dreams. I think a lot of dumb things but sometimes it just seems like maybe it isn't so or maybe it is. Just tonight my sister in law Ali, who I will always find to be a stunner (creepy sounding I know), revealed that she is prego with baby #4 in their family and grand baby #13 in the Hansen clan. Of course we are all excited and so happy for them. I see the joy it brings them. I always wonder to myself will I ever be able to obtain that kind of happiness that spreads even though I am gay. I had a similar sad situation several years ago when my brother and his wife who struggled to conceive a child were able to and they made a big reveal to us and on top of that they had an ultrasound pic of not one but two little guys and man you should have seen the look on my mother's face.
Pure joy.
It was a great moment to see and yet a sad and crushing experience that to this day for some reason gets me very emotional inside because I realized in that moment that I will never be able to give that kind of joy to my parents/family etc. with who I am as a gay man. But WHO KNOWS YA KNOW. I try to look past it and grow and be the best I can. Just some nights or days like tonight all these thoughts and feelings can come rushing in all at once sometimes.
Back to the picture of my little sister and her husband who passed away. It was a......I don't even know how to put it....but just a terrible thing that happened to him (name is Mikey) and my sister. I'll always regret not getting to know Mikey better and just making him one of the Hansen brothers. But they were so in love and it is painful to think that that love is cut from the loss of his life.
Then I reflect again on myself and what have I done to try and obtain love from someone else and to give it. I do have a lot to give but I feel damaged and flawed a lot. A past relationship will do that to you. Seeing happy couples and wondering what's wrong with you can bug ya. That loneliness and longing for that human contact/life's best friend and that love you have wanted all your life basically just can't quite seem to find it yet. Is it because it isn't there? Is being gay really just a dead end road for this idea of love? Or am I just needing patience? Or just go get it?Will I amount to anything? Sometimes I don't know what to feel or think.
Music has such an effect on my emotions. I was listening to the song Love by Jenna Kramer but the lines in it are fairly basic but stick with me. Kind of my reassurance that I'm not alone, nor is this just a choice.
I still believe in fairy tales
I still believe in picking flowers
I still believe in getting lost in someone's eyes and talking for hours
I still believe in shooting stars
I still believe in midnight drives
And butterflies you get right before you kiss for the very first time
Love how many times can a heart break
And love how much weight can a soul take
And love I don't know where you ran off to
But love, love, love I still believe in you.....
Whatever your definition of "Love" is, I think it's real as the nose on your face. That line how much weight can a soul take is a good one. We all have our hardships, our trials, our fears, our heartaches, each a story that is as unique and different as the next. But love is what we all have in common. We all want it, and need it.
Tonight I guess I just realized that there is so much of it in a world of hurt and sadness that I want it tonight because this world, as beautiful and amazing as it is, can feel very lonely and hard to deal with. That companionship, the girlfriend, the boyfriend, husband, wife, family, friend, coworker, teacher, coach, or a stranger even all can have such an impact on you that once you realize how real that love is, you never want it to leave you or be without it. Everyone wants it, everyone needs it.
How's that for vulnerable?
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