Surprise!!!

Two posts in one week?!

Yeah.

Tonight took a sort of turn I didn't expect.

My mind all the sudden had a sort of piggy back effect with some stuff that kinda rekindled feelings.

Where to start.....

Well I was making bread with my Mom.

Yes, Bread cuz that's how we doooooooooooooo. 

But really I wanted to and my Mom makes great bread so we were doing it and
At one point I had the opportunity to make a stupid comment/joke my Mom had set me up for.

A "That's we she said" type joke.

And so my Mom joked back and said jokingly

"Yep that's right. She."

And for those who know me I am a goof and say all sorts of stupid things and inappropriate at times yet I can find myself getting internally sensitive at the drop of a pin. 

I hate it. 

Like I'm a pregnant hormonal psycho.

But that little comment kinda was a tell on the internal thoughts and true feelings of what my Mom

Felt about who I am as a gay son.

To me that is.

How I took it and probably took it too far in my sensitive mind.

But anyways I didn't say much more just chuckled and moved forward making dough.

Eventually a comment was brought up by my sister about my crazy ass uncle. Literally crazy.

Gay also.

So I have always sort of had this natural resistance and disassociation with this uncle because

I HATE 

Being compared to him in any kind of way. So I voiced my opinion for a minute when my Mom and sister were discussing his mental illness and how the LGBT community therapy is telling him things...

yadadadadadada.

Anyways I just hate the idea that this uncle of mine is the sort of gay precedent in my family's perspective on what being gay is etc.

I don't necessarily know why I have such issue with it but after we starting to voice opinions it severed some stitches that had been sown or should I say suppressed.

So where to start with those....

Honestly it doesn't matter but I just have to say from my perspective and inward reflection 

I AM SO FREAKING FRAGILE.

I just try not to show it.

All I can say is I am TRYING and TRYING to grow and be better and stronger.

And at times when I am around people, particularly family,

I have triggers that set off this sort of compound effect to where I literally feel like shit.

Like a loser.

Now this isn't a victim card being pulled.

More so an emotionally frustrated and just sad one at times because I don't really talk about

My feelings, my deep ones that is.

And for good reason.

They are depressing and bring up just days and moments in my life that aren't worth revisiting.

So I guess the first trigger is that I am sometimes told by younger siblings (who shall not be name ha), 

That I mooch off my Mom and Dad by living at home and that I am 25 and yadadadada.

And I think the reason I get so hurt and bothered inside is because deep down I believe it to be true.

I cam home two years ago like the freaking prodigal son:

BROKE

ALONE

SICK

SAD

And so it was just a time where I felt truly at a low point.

I remember getting news of me being sick a few weeks before Mother's Day in 2014 and 

I flew home from Houston to be with all the family because we were all able to be home for Mother's Day.

I remember a moment when we were all gathered outside as we were getting ready to part, all the while I 

Was sick and keeping it a secret from my family.

I remember just feeling so sad and just disappointed.

Here I was home for Mother's Day and all this happiness that is suppose to be felt at a family gathering, 

But instead stupid ass me at 23 was super sick and alone in it all.

So bringing it back to the mooching idea it just awakens the fact that I screwed up and had to re calibrate

And come home to fix my mess I created.

Humiliating and sad.

Sigh.....

And there's more. Frustration at times with my Mom,

Even though I know she has been dealt SO MUCH with me alone, along with having 7 other 

Kids.

But I just wish I could just feel comfortable and not feel like I am always having to justify myself or who I am.

It is most likely self inflicted on my part, but honestly, and I said this tonight, 

"Being gay doesn't need to be a hurdle or hard, it is this expectation set by others and people who fuel

This thought where the hardships are created and believed therefore it makes it hard."

I have been trying and trying and trying to pick myself up from two years ago, actually more like 6 years ago,

When I was forced to tell my parents over the phone that I was essentially gay.

And yet all this progress and soul searching and truly hard work I have been reaching for feels at times

Unnoticed or comes crumbling down when I hear or get around people who just make me feel, unknowingly, That I am in a corner or fenced in.

It's hard. And weighs on me a lot.

Now to give where credit is due....

My parents, yes even my Dad, 

Have helped me my entire life and I have not disregarded that at all.

My Mom as I tell many people that she literally is a saint and I don't know how she does it.

They support me, to some extent, mostly in financial support by letting me live with them.

But I just will never reach a point to where I can connect with them, mainly my Mom,

I don't care about connecting with my Dad at all. Don't even bat an eye.

But it would just be nice to have a parent like the one's I saw at that Gay Christian Network conference.

Where I literally saw genuine care and love and support for their gay child and didn't give a 

SHIT 

About being gay. Just cared about them and supported their ambitions and lives in being gay.

I guess that's my take away. 

Yes I have support.

But I need more from my Mom.

I need empowerment.

And I think that is what I think is the big piece missing.

Anyways, 

The emotions have come and gone.

I am numb and fine now.

But honestly it does suck at times. 

But hey that is life and mine is good.

I am gay. Not apologizing for that.

My life is filled with happy thoughts and positivity and hopes.

My life will be a good thing and will show those who doubt or speak or think less 

That it is filled with love and beautiful things.

I am not here to prove anything, but I hope that people can see and understand and get 

THE FUCK OVER THEIR STUPID RELIGIOUS INSECURITIES OR MORAL HINDRANCES.

Because it's funny to me. 

I'm looked at I feel as some sexual deviant. For real.

And that I am pitied or have some type of handicap.

But honestly it is those who hold those views that FUEL the damn problem. 

Not me.

It's weird I go through a cycle on emotional times.

I get sad. I self reflect and beat myself up.

Then I get angry.

Rage inside really.

But then cool down and feel better.

Maybe I am crazy.

But hell I make crazy look good.

Anyways,

Rant over.

Way too long of one.

I just want my life to be a positive image and looked at happily 

My choices and words will paint that. 

But honestly many people will still not like the most beautiful painting out there.

I am trying to have the resilience and tenacity of Winston Churchill.

Don't quit.

Things will payoff and come together.

Just stick it out and quit being a little bitch about it.

Smile and until then.

So This Happened.....

I should first start off by probably saying,

"HI MICHAEL!!!"

Haha. He's a good friend of mine and seems to enjoy this craziness of what I call a blog. 

He nudged me today with a text that read,

"UPDATE YOUR BLOG HOE!"

(True friend right there).

Anyways, a boat load has happened in the past month.

Where to begin....

I have been trying, and trying being a key word, to pursue my law enforcement career goals by trying to actually land a position as an officer, or recruit, before I graduate in May. 

Let me just start out by saying that anyone who thinks it would be easy or simple to apply and become a cop is just flat out wrong.

Never in my life have I gone through applications an application process that feels like I'm applying to be the goddamn Pope.

That being said, California is a competitive job market and a great place to live. In this past month I wanna say I've had around 5 interviews and traveled collectively by car enough mileage to get me to 

England. 

But man has it been both fun and exhausting. I missed lots of school which is great, and also decided to resign from my job at the Marriott to give me flexibility in applying to these various police departments.

But first, some pictures from my SoCal time I spent on the road. 

Shout out to my sister for letting me quite literally live with her during this past month. 

Stumbled upon this Santa Barbara Taco Stand just randomly walking.

Verdict: DELISH

Beachfront home in Oceanside (sorry bout the watermarks)

Tried taking this beautiful sunset pic through the car as I was driving, doesn't do it justice. Was in Oceanside for this one.

YASSSSS a self absorbed shirtless pic. Blurry yes because I took it in the reflection of a car window ha.

I put this up because someday down the line I will look back and actually believe I looked nice.

Oceanside Pier at Sunset

So with all the travel I have done in the past month, I have not only come to love SoCal and just the shear size of it and how many people there are, but also a little bit about myself.

My Mom always reminds me when I bitch or complain about something being hard or unfair she says,

"We can do hard things!"

Simple yet has its effect.

I was juggling so much with my schedule and applications, school, two jobs, etc. that I literally bought a daily planner this past month to jot down when I had assignments due for class, tests, interviews, police exams, physical tests for police, and more.

The interviews were probably the most rewarding yet scary thing. I of course was nervous beforehand and my sister Rachel would kinda give some advice but overall it's a mental game for me.

My first interview was with Newport Beach PD.

Went decent overall. I'd give myself a grad of a B or B+.

The next interview was with Santa Barbara. Went very well and I felt I had picked up some steam.

Then my final interview was with Santa Ana Police. Feel I nailed it. 

So I built confidence, looked good too, and just was genuine yet professional.

These things I have never really learned in college over the years. I have read tips and tricks to interviews online and gotten feedback from people, but honestly experience is the best teacher.

So after all these exams and interviews I had some down time to do a ride along with Santa Barbara. 

Don't know why I wouldn't have thought of this sooner since it gets your face out there and shows you are serious. It also does a reality check and sees if this is really what you want to do. Kinda like shadowing.

So I reported to the police department at 3:45pm. Met with the officers for their briefing for the shift. Seemed like what I had seen in TV shows. Casual yet serious and the officers joked and were super friendly. 

I then met the officer I was to ride along with, Officer Cipres.

I was somewhat nervous and tried to be comfortable following around this officer. 

Eventually we started to patrol and answer some calls that were coming in. First off the car was super nice and Officer Cipres had a badass M16 like gun right by me. 

The calls were relatively simple and Officer Cipres was very nice to people and gave good advice to me and we slowly started to get to know each other.

Our best call that turned into a huge adrenaline rush for me was when we got a call to a grocery store about a potential shoplifting going on. 

The moment we pulled up my office instantly recognize the suspect as a druggie kid he had arrested before. He told the kid to stop and the kid just dropped everything and took off. My officer rushed after him and soon they were out of sight.

I was told in advance to stay with the vehicle in the case of a foot pursuit. 

So he eventually comes back empty handed and bleeding down his arm. I was like, "You alright?" and he laughs and says, "I ate shit man haha."

He took a tumble because wearing a 30 pound equipment belt and running full speeding can make you lose your center of gravity when changing direction quick. 

So we get all these cops to the grocery store because his girlfriend was in her car and they suspected drugs and sure enough the K9 dog sniffed them out and so the car was stripped. In the meantime the officer and I were looking up this kid that got away and Officer Cipres quickly located where he lived.

We went flying to his place by car and he arrested the kid. 

Upon seeing the guy he was young but you could definitely tell he was a huge dope head. 

His skin looked gaunt and his teeth, etc, were just decaying.

Found out they had just gotten high on heroine. My Lord my Lord kids never do drugs.

Heroine is literally hell on earth from what I saw.

The entire time I kept thinking about Jesse Pinkman...

YES YOU JESSE!!! STAY AWAY FROM THOSE DRUGS!

So eventually the night wrapped up and I had a great time. Officer Cipres was a great guy and I really walked away with an appreciation for what they do. 

**Political moment.

With all the media scrutiny towards police officers I really have felt bad and frustrated for officers because they are essentially trying to do their main job in protecting and serving their communities. Yes there are always going to be some bad apples but honestly, from my experience with the Santa Barbara Police Department and Officer Cipres, he was nothing but professional and courteous to people he was serving and arresting even. 

So, be nice to cops and give them a damn break, they put themselves on the line everyday.

**Political moment over...

I also went on a hike and a bike ride around wonderful Redlands, CA with my fellow fool Andre.

Redlands really is such an awesome place. Tucked away in the Inland Empire and just a slice of Orange Heaven in the beautiful California landscape.

Look at those goddamn shorts! Smh.

Andre and I have been buds for over 3 years and what a great guy is all I can say.

While traveling the past month I also am trying to go hiking more and just surround myself with nature.

I really have become addicted to my phone and computer so I am trying to balance that out.

I feel lately that when I go to bed exhausted from doing so much in a single day, or week, or month that's a good thing. Means I'm living and using my body to actually move and progress.

I really do believe in Newton's first law,

"A body in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon by another force, and same goes for a body at rest."

Paraphrased of course.

But really when I am on the go and dedicated and focus I just keep going.

When I'm being lazy or just moping around it seems I get stuck. This past month I was on the go.

Who knows what the result will be from my efforts with these police applications and or where I will end up in a year's time. But hey I really am enjoying it, even if it is crazy at times.

This was from today....

Went for a motorcycle ride in da desert. I am from the desert so might as well enjoy the pretty sunsets that happen in it.

Did March even happen this year???

OK BYEEEEEEEEEEE