Well, I guess I have some explaining to do.
Nearly 3.5 years have come and gone, and honestly I have no idea how or when but here I am.
I feel like this blog is my neglected middle child and one day I suddenly just realized,
"OH MY GOD MY BLOG"
I read back on some of the old posts I had and it was nice to know I took the time and effort to write down my experiences and memories etc.
It's something that I need to be better at.
As I got into my "creative" mindset for writing this post for tonight I didn't know how I wanted to approach this blog and how I should frame it.
Should it be a journal, full of wishes and dreams? Or a place to just dump my deepest and darkest thoughts?
Or simply a comedic space to be funny and combine my memories of navigating adulthood and finding the things to laugh at about it all?
Or maybe just all of the above. Some sort of mashup of my mind and all the zany and crazy things that life throws my way and how I digest it all.
That sounds good to me.
But then again, I asked myself who am I writing this all for? Myself? My older self to look back and like a bad dad joke cringe and use the classic line of regret, "I can't believe I was like that."
But for now it does feel nice to be back and just have my little cyberspace to be able to write.
I will preface by saying this (or too late as I'm well into the post by now), but I'm a little somber tonight.
Writing a blog sometimes gets me pensive and sentimental and reflection sort of brings that out of me, and especially after thinking what happened these past 3.5 years or so.
My last post I was making a toast to 25. I turned 26. Then 27. Then 28. And now I'm 29 years old.....coming up on my 30th before I know it.
I blinked and I grew up......well sort of.
These past 3.5 years.....whew where do I begin....I can't believe it's 2020 and trying to think what all happened.
Well I will give a sort of outline:
26 years old (2017)
- From what I can remember I started at Cal Baptist and eventually after 12 long months got my MBA
- Went to China for my business class in my MBA program
Shanghai 2017
Xi'an 2017
Beijing-Great Wall 2017
- I fell in love and my best friend Andre and we began dating. He asked me to be his boyfriend April 13th and yes I think it was a Friday the 13th.
- Andre and I moved into our place off Center St. in Redlands and I was terrified I wouldn't be able to pay rent and struggle. But we did it and I'm still here to this day.
Home
- Many trips: Including Santa Barbara, Universal Studios, Oak Glen for Fall, Reno, Tahoe, and of course buying an annual pass to Disneyland (THE D) and going all the time.
Santa Barbara 2017
Universal Studios 2017
Halloween 2017-scared a whole lot of kids
Oak Glen-2017
Reno home town trip-Summer 2017
Tahoe-2017
Reno Puppy Store (tempted to get a puppy)-2017
Disneyland with Evie Girl-2017
- Just enjoying life and realizing how lucky I truly was- even though I may not have expressed or shown it. But man oh man was it the ride of my life. So much adventure and just living life. All along my best friend.
Our little "spot of heaven" Redlands
27 years old (2018):
- Funny enough I can't remember early on the memories of this year in 2018! But I'll do my best....
- 27th birthday "party"
- I was working in the midst of my first legit job at Target as a manager. This job had so much craziness and my drive of 100 miles round trip every day definitely took it's toll. But like all things, it was a stepping stone in life for me.
The crew in ass crack Apple Valley-2018
- Arden Rose being born, and she still has the blanket Andre and I got her to this day
May-2018
- More and more Disneyland trips with family and just growing together.....
- Trips Trips Trips!!! Arizona, Joshua Tree, Dodger's Game, London and Malta!
Joshua Tree-2018
LA Dodgers-2018
Beyonce & Jay-Z concert-2018
London-There's a lot!
Malta and there's a lot!
- Those trips I will ALWAYS cherish.....emotional just uploading the pictures of them. Such an adventure in such a difficult time.....will explain in a bit...
- Forrest got hitched!
Fallbrook- 2018
28 years old (2019);
Let's just say this almost to the day of January 1st, 2019 is where it all came to a screeching HALT.
I need to give some context first, and while it is incredibly sad and I struggle today with this....this is a rough version of how it unfolded:
Andre and I broke up.
It was an incredibly joyous and soul stretching journey, and
I will take the rest of my life being grateful for the things we experienced and what he taught me.
It's just sad.
I say that because in the course of our relatively short relationship things in our control and out of our control happened.
Two devastating events happened to Andre,
The death of his little brother
And the death of his mother.
What I still struggle with and cry to this day thinking about was when I met Andre, who was not only my boyfriend but also my best friend for years before we started dating,
He was such a light. Just bright and burning positivity and kindness.
And like a candle flame things in life slowly diminished that light in him.
It breaks my heart thinking about it and explaining it.
I say that because in March of 2019 Andre attempted suicide.
Now to be fair I've never been able to confirm confirm it with law enforcement but all signs point to yes.
We had been split up for a couple months but even still he was ALWAYS my best friend.
And that day in March I lost my best friend-well the "version" of Andre that I knew and grew to love.
To make a long story short, and for cathartic reasons, he suffered brain damage and is now disabled to an extent cognitively.
So my world got rocked. 28 was one of the hardest and soul stretching years of my life.
I have been through some things in my life, like serious things.
But the main difference is that things that happen directly to me I can handle. I have control of myself and my healing etc.
But with this and with seeing Andre (he survived but has damage) it just ripped me apart.
I'm raw and feel so shaken to this day in way.
Life took on a new perspective for me. I grew up for real.
I fell into a deep melancholy state and still dip into it unintentionally and am working through it.
I don't mean to be dramatic but this is truly how I feel and have dealt these past 15 months or so.
But at the end of it all I am so GRATEFUL he is with us all still and that his light that I always saw in him, still is shining through.
A quote I always try to remember after all this.
Now as they say life does move on and so in my 28th-29th year I still have been able to do a lot.
Just with a shadow sometimes due to the hard things that 2019 brought.
Working through it day by day.
I did in the midst of all that sadness and trauma get hired at Esri-which was no small feat.
I had always aimed to do it since I moved to SoCal back in 2016.
Office view
- A highlight and much needed laugh after all for my 29th birthday what better place to visit than The Happiest Place On Earth with my fellow Fool Lefou. So much fun and how mature of two 29 year olds than to dress up in thrift store 90's clothing. Lots of stares and we laughed so much.
Disneyland-2019
29 years young
And of course through it all these past 15 months or my 28th-29th years have been spent with family because my heart and my mind needed some resetting and just rest.
Nephews
Nieces
Mini fools
Friendsgiving-2019
Christmas 2019
Disneyland Family Trip-2019
Rock climbing Lake Perris-2019
And of course my sweet mother helping me all along the way
AND OF COURSE FRITZ!!!
So yes.......A LOT has happened in 3.5 years or so.
Good and Bad. But so much to be thankful for.
It's been such a wild and amazing ride.
I wish I had the capacity to put into words the sort of montage to sum all of it up.
But as my 29th year enters the downward slope towards 30 all I can say is I'm so
grateful
I've said it back before but I really am.
I'm so forgetful and bitch and complain often, but truly life is SO WORTH LIVING
And just through it all it's such a journey of meaning for me.
It's been cathartic doing this post. Hard and I definitely cried a bit, but none the less I'm okay.
I will always be okay.
My heart always has hope and empathy for Andre. I loved and will always love him.
I'm so grateful for my family too.....both through the hardships and just because it's my tribe.
The future is always uncertain but for some sort of stoic reason, I know it'll all be okay.
I welcome it and look forward to what adventures are to come.
