Late Night Randomness

It's a combination of a few things that got me to write this post tonight out of the blue. One, a cheesy song playing. Two, scrolling through social media and coming across a picture of my little sister and her deceased husband. Three midnight and a lack of sleep.
Sometimes in life things just hit you hard and all the sudden you know what it is like to feel the hormonal realness of a pregnant woman as a man. I just suddenly got hit with a wave of just feeling sad because of the sad things in the world. Not depressed, but just sad. I started to just kinda cry while listening to a song and looking at this picture of two people who were so in love and then life, for whatever reason, took one of them away. Then I begin to reflect on my life and then compound it with guilt, longing, wishing, and just thinking. I think about being a gay man in a Mormon family. I think will ever I ever find the love that I see in so many people who found "love." I wonder if I'm just kidding myself in my wishful thinking and my dreams. I think a lot of dumb things but sometimes it just seems like maybe it isn't so or maybe it is. Just tonight my sister in law Ali, who I will always find to be a stunner (creepy sounding I know), revealed that she is prego with baby #4 in their family and grand baby #13 in the Hansen clan. Of course we are all excited and so happy for them. I see the joy it brings them. I always wonder to myself will I ever be able to obtain that kind of happiness that spreads even though I am gay. I had a similar sad situation several years ago when my brother and his wife who struggled to conceive a child were able to and they made a big reveal to us and on top of that they had an ultrasound pic of not one but two little guys and man you should have seen the look on my mother's face.                                                                                 
                                                                               Pure joy. 

It was a great moment to see and yet a sad and crushing experience that to this day for some reason gets me very emotional inside because I realized in that moment that I will never be able to give that kind of joy to my parents/family etc. with who I am as a gay man. But WHO KNOWS YA KNOW. I try to look past it and grow and be the best I can. Just some nights or days like tonight all these thoughts and feelings can come rushing in all at once sometimes.
Back to the picture of my little sister and her husband who passed away. It was a......I don't even know how to put it....but just a terrible thing that happened to him (name is Mikey) and my sister. I'll always regret not getting to know Mikey better and just making him one of the Hansen brothers. But they were so in love and it is painful to think that that love is cut from the loss of his life.
Then I reflect again on myself and what have I done to try and obtain love from someone else and to give it. I do have a lot to give but I feel damaged and flawed a lot. A past relationship will do that to you. Seeing happy couples and wondering what's wrong with you can bug ya. That loneliness and longing for that human contact/life's best friend and that love you have wanted all your life basically just can't quite seem to find it yet. Is it because it isn't there? Is being gay really just a dead end road for this idea of love? Or am I just needing patience? Or just go get it?Will I amount to anything? Sometimes I don't know what to feel or think.
Music has such an effect on my emotions. I was listening to the song Love by Jenna Kramer but the lines in it are fairly basic but stick with me. Kind of my reassurance that I'm not alone, nor is this just a choice.

I still believe in fairy tales

I still believe in picking flowers

I still believe in getting lost in someone's eyes and talking for hours

I still believe in shooting stars

I still believe in midnight drives

And butterflies you get right before you kiss for the very first time

Love how many times can a heart break

And love how much weight can a soul take

And love I don't know where you ran off to

But love, love, love I still believe in you.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nye22imQOMc

Whatever your definition of "Love" is, I think it's real as the nose on your face. That line how much weight can a soul take is a good one. We all have our hardships, our trials, our fears, our heartaches, each a story that is as unique and different as the next. But love is what we all have in common. We all want it, and need it.
Tonight I guess I just realized that there is so much of it in a world of hurt and sadness that I want it tonight because this world, as beautiful and amazing as it is, can feel very lonely and hard to deal with. That companionship, the girlfriend, the boyfriend, husband, wife, family, friend, coworker, teacher, coach, or a stranger even all can have such an impact on you that once you realize how real that love is, you never want it to leave you or be without it. Everyone wants it, everyone needs it.

How's that for vulnerable?

Yeah It's A Post About Politics

"Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself."
-Mark Twain

I always try to think before hand about what I want to write about, whether it be inspirational, personal, political, funny, stupid, or just all over the place. The last one is probably the most likely with me and how my mind just funnels a bunch of random thoughts.

But here we ago: Today's theme....... Political! 

Being that my family is politically savvy, that's an understatement, you will always find a plethora of opinions and discussions ready for battle in our Hansen household. I usually would just roll my eyes and just listen and observe the chaos that would unfold around the dinner table or in the crowd of the family members that would be visiting. I mainly observed because it was always interesting to see how the conversation/discussion would begin slowly but then surely EVERYTIME voices would get louder, interruptions became more frequent, and eventually some kind of heated exchange or outburst would ensue.
Then there was me, quietly shaking my head because it seemed that everyone was hanging out without me in these political discussions but I was just fine with that. Oh yessir. HOWEVER, on here I get to be the King of the discussion and while there will be no heated exchanges (plenty of that on YouTube and Yahoo article comment sections) I will go ahead and just go over what has been on my mind this week in terms of politics from my own perspective and beliefs, if you wanna call it that.

Item #1
I have always liked to listen to Laura Ingram on the radio in the morning. She always had a certain level of intelligence and deliverance in her material that came off as just right to me on most things she would talk about. Today though I decided to tune back into the political world a little bit and listen to her, and unfortunately it seems that she, like most other conservative talk show hosts, has assimilated into the "Dooms Day" technique I like to call it or simply just Hyperbolizes (real word?) or exaggerates EVERYTHING. I am beginning to see this on the "right wing" side of the spectrum with politics. Everything is a prophetic description of how this will ie "Destroy America" "Destroy Marriage" "Destroy the family" "Destroy what the founders created" or "China will overpower us" on and on and on and on. Glenn Beck was the BEST at doing this. Rush Limbaugh- barf. Same story. Michael Savage-as much as I love his obnoxious New York Jew voice and intelligent arsenal of knowledge he goes nuts as well; especially towards Muslims and Palestine. So a little disappointed to see good ole Laura Ingram fall into this trend that is soooooo easy to do. Another thing I have noticed is NONE of these people present any counterpoint or solution to these allegations of terrible and horrible things to come. If they do they are so vague and cliche. On the other hand I use to like NPR but their soft and speaking in whisper voices lost its appeal.

Item #2
Malcolm X. Heard the name never knew much about him. I read his autobiography (well skimmed the book), spark noted a bit, and wikipedia his life and beliefs etc. This guy was a complete......well asshole in my eyes. For those of you who don't fully know him either read his book or do what most of us do now and gain a sliver of knowledge through good ole wikipedia even though it isn't the most reliable source. He had a terrible childhood full of pain and suffering both domestically and from society and racial discrimination. Got caught up in drugs, crime, and other activities that eventually landed him in prison. While in prison he converts to Islam specifically the Nation of Islam (a black power faction of Islam in laymen's term), and became radicalized with violence and isolation and advocated for segregation from whites and to go back to Africa. He believed whites were the devil, and that Martin Luther King Junior, who advocated for integration and nonviolence, was a "chump". Eventually he became a popular figure and broke away from the Nation of Islam to form his own, and he traveled to Mecca on a pilgrimage. Now this is where my opinion of him went from a bad one to a less bad one. He saw that his views were extreme and that he needed to softened his perspective and gain a broader sense of life on a global scale and that he could use Islam as a means for good to help alleviate racism and oppression with the help of his religion. Eventually he was assassinated-sadly but ironically by members of the black community he was in!!!
But what I took away from his life, besides the fact that he attacked everyone and everything and was extremely critical of everyone was that even the most hardened and extreme people can change and see things from a different perspective. Travel has always been an important part of my life and I have been lucky to be able to travel a decent chunk of the world and I have seen so much and met so many great people from all walks of life that I really just don't know how the human person can be categorized into a type of Republican/Democrat way of thinking.

Issue #3
Chill the eff out America. It seems like everywhere I go someone no matter party affiliation a person may have or where they come from, everyone seems to be so up in arms about some issue. ABORTION, GUN CONTROL, GAYS, ISRAEL, MUSLIMS, OBAMA, TED CRUZ, TRANSGENDERS, THE KARDASHIANS, HILARY CLINTON, IMMIGRATION, AMMMUURRIIIIICCCCAAAAA.
But seriously people are so red in the face it seems that I really see no appeal in discussing things inter-personally because I feel that America as a society, and I said this to a classmate today, we have become such a faction society of people. So many divisions and cliques and organizations that simply remind us how different we are from one another. My classmate said jokingly Divided We Stand. I thought the Factioned States of America should be the saying today.
Anyways it seems like the things in politics and the natural liberties of our free speech and rights seem to be dividing us today more so than actually uniting us. Yay. It's like Lynus said from Charlie Brown, "There are three things you should never discuss with people: Religion, Politics, and the Great Pumpkin.
Right on Charlie Brown. Right on Bro.

In conclusion, if you wanna do a fun sociological experiment that will probably get your blood boiling or discourage you due to the harshness of people on social media, pick a political topic, type it in the search bar on Facebook and see what you read from people. Enjoy!
That's all folks, see didn't I tell you I'm all over the place with my thoughts. Got Lithium? :)

Mind Your Own Biscuits And Life Will Be Gravy

This week I discovered this new song by a young country artist who I am becoming a big fan of. Her name is Kacey Musgraves. In her song there is the line "Mind your biscuits and life will be gravy" and I thought that was both hilarious and actually very deep. This week I was trying to work on the principle of 'if you aint got nothin nice to say don't say nothin at all.' Well I discovered I didn't say a lot this week and that was a sad fact because I realize more and more how much crap and garbage comes out of my mouth. I have a negative tendency and I actually think it comes from a multitude of things but I think I'm not alone in it. Whenever I watch any YouTube video, read any article online, or see any social media post I INSTANTLY go to the comments section just to see what everyone thinks. Usually it has some standard structure after awhile. A negative insult, or racial slur, some sexual joke, prophecy from a religious person, a person who just says something outrageous, etc.
It's funny because it has become such a sad state of affairs. Everyone thinks they are entitled to their opinion, which is true, but usually that opinion seems to be directed at other people and in a negative light.

"Mind your own biscuits and life will be gravy"

Here's the link to listen to the song : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E598KjYyBJI

Another great song by her: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQ8xqyoZXCc 

She's a pretty cute Texan girl with a good perspective that I think is a new face to country music

This week I also did something different, I went to a social event! Not really but it was a speaker at the university. For those who know the Netflix show Orange is the New Black you will know a few things; this show is hilarious and super gross also but I find a balance of both humor and seriousness that is my cup of tea. But I could go without the overly done lesbian sex in it. Anyways there is a transgender actress in the show, Laverne Cox, and she came to speak and there was a line she said at the event that stuck with me, 

"Those who hurt, hurt." And I think that was such a simple yet powerful thing because I relate things back into myself and my life (it's something I took from a young age being LDS and likening the scriptures unto myself). I realize that some of those out there, myself of course included, have been hurt some more extreme than others, but I think we find solace or just justice in hurting others in some degree. This is a whole other blog with the psychology behind it but I think most just want to feel understood. 

Anyways it was a very nice event that I ventured out to see and I was glad to do something different (no I'm not considering myself transgender). 

Another quote I was told by my sister awhile back on those same lines that I heard was more of a religious tone but it also had a great point, "Atheists are wounded theists" and Amen to that is all I can say. It's a sad affair but I think in simply addressing it and talking about it is progress whatever the end goal may be. 

Anyways my week had a bunch of quotes as you can tell that stuck with me.....other than that life just keeps on keeping on. Peace out (Oh by the way I like black and white photography of myself, never been a fan of myself in pictures but black and white will do). Just remember,

 "Mind your own biscuits and life will be gravy!"

Vulnerability

Well it finally happened. 

I was told that I needed to be more vulnerable and open myself up more to the world. Yeah right. But seriously I decided this would be both a good avenue to have a journal, since I really do look back and realize how much I have forgotten in detail, and also just a place to come and write down my thoughts. Hell if anyone knows my family or the world we live in today, everyone has something to say-too much usually.
I can't really put a simple reason on why I don't like to share my thoughts or deep personal feelings or emotions, maybe it's been conditioned into me since I grew up in a household full of alpha personality types that garnish the attention and are able to stand out in the crowd. Me I just sort of just went with the flow of things. Never seemed to desire to be understood or want to stand out or be Mr. Badass or some kind of personality that has its own name. Mysterious and observant have been two things that I have been called by others, both family and friends/people I have known. Until now. Hell I figure now is good a time as ever to start opening up more and to just say how I feel and tell it how I see it. *Disclaimer, this is not a political forum (I don't really like the political world) and not a place to convince someone to see things the way I see it. Like I said before, this is just me talking one way and no feedback.
Anywho for the "journal" aspect of this blog-which thinking of a title was hilarious, trying to be stupid and funny-I guess I better start with the basics and just talk about Me.

Full Name: Ian Patrick Hansen
Birthdate: 01/15/1991
Age: 24
Parents: Ira and Alexis Hansen
Siblings: A village

Physical:
Standing at 5'9 and 150 pounds, I started losing my hair at about 17 years old in my junior year of high school (thanks genetics). Now I embrace the receding hairline and have more of the military look even though I have no military experience. My hair use to be "surfer dude" and it would turn super if not platinum blonde in the summer time (many kids thought I dyed my hair because my hair was almost white looking yet my eyebrows stayed pretty dark). Never been a very macho looking muscular guy, teenage years were mostly skinny but as of late I've gotten tire of feeling weak physically and have started to gain some weight and actually try to improve my health and physique (both for myself and for looks). Bluish eyes, my ears have always had these points to them, I use to think I was an elf as a little boy, when actually they are just cartilage deposits. My left arm, the infamous broken one, bows out awkwardly since I was a young kid due to a bone marrow issue in my humerus bone (not humorous at all) and so I spent a few years in a cast and ultimately my arm now has a slight bowing effect in comparison with my right arm. Other than that, nothing special.

Personality:
Watching home movies I saw that I was just a little average all American boy. I had this raspy voice at about three years old, most the time in diapers as a kid "playing in the pig pen with the pigs" and always on the run according to my older siblings and parents who had frequent "Ian alerts" when I would disappear for a time since we lived on a ranch in the middle of the desert outside of Sparks, NV. As I got older I was just a goof in the making, shy, but still liked to be funny. Had an affinity for Calvin and Hobbes comics (The cartoons on this blog page) and the Simpsons. Homer Simpson had an effect on me. Yet with all my "white trash" like love for the Simpson I always liked school and took my school work very seriously. I remember a birthday, maybe like my 9th I think, my mom got me roller blades and I opened them and liked them but I remembered I had homework due the next day so I quickly put them down and ran over to the dining room table to start my homework. Got into trouble of course too-mischievous with the help of cousins usually. Set a hay bail on fire (famous story), got sent to work crew with the juvenile delinquents (age 12) for vandalizing a construction site, and got chased by the cops in Vegas for excess firecracker fun we will call it (age 15). High school I made a shift I remember looking back. I had bad acne for awhile which wasn't unusual for most guys. I never really excelled in athletics like I wanted to, I liked to play sports but then, maybe because of my early teenage years I was in a cast while all the other guys and girls developed their physical and athletic talents I had to wait. But I still played track, soccer, and tennis (love to this day tennis). I just always felt more timid and unsure of myself throughout high school in the social setting and sports world. Blah, blah, blah. However I still took advantage of my academics and took them seriously-one because I was from the Hansen family which left an impression on the Bishop Manogue community; and two because I wanted to go to a good college to get the hell out of Reno. Never had any solid friends in high school so it was hard at times but overall I did decent with high school. Don't miss it, but don't hate it. College years allowed me to be free and see who Ian was. Still a goof and slight pessimist at time (still working on improving this), I just loved to travel in these years. I loved to meet people and hear their stories and to learn in ways that weren't just in the classroom setting. I loved the idea of gaining experience and still do. Hawaii was a time for me where I was super (that's an understatement) lucky in living there and meeting the people I did and doing the things I did. I like to think I am a humble person, and I think that with living in a beautiful place like Hawaii and being in such a diverse student population it showed me that people from all around the world have stories and amazing things about them. Loneliness hit at times too because I never could quite have a steady friendship. So while I was new and fresh to the adult world I had hopes and dreams for things, slowly life took its hits and sometimes it would harden my heart little by little. Vague I know. London, Hawaii, Houston, Thailand, etc. all gave me things that showed me how small I am in this world yet also provided me the beauty and uniqueness each and every human being has to them and by this effect I came to realize more and more that Ian, who I never really knew who he was, has his own uniqueness and goofiness and kindness in him. Anyways don't know how to wrap this section up so there ya go!

Interests:
Tennis, Travel, Food, Netflix (as of late House of Cards and Archer), London "call it my home away from home," Music, Summer, the Ocean, Health, Reading (either fiction or historical pieces-idk why but WWII history is something I have liked).
Favorite Movies: Blood Diamond, Bridesmaids, Zoolander, Braveheart, The Devil Wears Prada, and the Imitation Game
*This is starting to look like a Match.com profile as I look back and read this. Smh

Anyways my sister Rachel, while I was visiting her told me that I need to be a more vulnerable and open person because she feels like within this past year she has gotten to know the brother she has had but never knew who he was. Scary thought....so I don't want to die and think that my memory in people's minds will never be a clear understanding of who I am/was. Well good incentive I guess to start a damn blog, which comes with many cliches and expectations (thanks Pintrest and Mormon mothers), but really I do want to also record fun times I have and thoughts and experiences I have had. I love to be able to look back and see where I was or how I was feeling or what my thought process was. Rachel, my oldest sister, and I were talking about one of her daughters and what she was like as a baby and for the life of me I couldn't conjure up any specifics about her and it upset me. Luckily my sister has had a blog, pretty good one too, for the past like 9-10 years I think and it's awesome because you literally can go back and pinpoint certain times and there are well documented pictures and memories forever. I loved it so I figured with my stupid self and pathetic single, student, broke a$$ self, I better start before I miss these times whether they are good or bad.

All these things sum up into one dumb line=Me Myself And The Fool= Ian
Better sit down for this one folks............

Oh here is a cheesy but good quote on Vulnerability

Dawwwwww.......fortune favors the bold am I right?